Sidequest

As a writer, I feel a great sense of both pressure and duty to write truth and fact. Each time I write here I feel as though I skirt what I really mean to say. There is no malice or deception… but a lack of fortitude to confront certain things. To say certain things. However a few drinks and an iron-clad determination are sufficient in cutting my way to the truth.

Despite all the progress I’ve made in healing myself, and putting things back in order… sometimes I feel empty; like my soul died and my body lives on. I’ve gone from a hopeless romantic to a jaded misanthrope, a spiritual Taoist to a more secular consumer. Those are not small changes.

I haven’t fully faced my problems, I keep my mind busy with games, shows, books, work, study, family and a dozen other activities. I stopped meditation and spiritual self-cultivation because I was afraid. Afraid to face myself; and of what I could find if I looked deeper.

Those feelings have been locked away for such a long time, which isn’t right at all. We shouldn’t be the wardens of our passion, but rather its sculptors. I keep saying it and saying it. Each time I do, I’ve taken a step to finding what happened. I steel myself for the soul searching I know is coming. But sadly I’ve taken too many thousands of steps in the sand, I look around and I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing.

My soul, my passion… that ruthless lustful drive that fueled me is missing. It guided my life and my work and now I need it back. I’ll be gone for awhile. Think of it as an important side quest.

-Yours in silence, Wesley James Rands