Sidequest

As a writer, I feel a great sense of both pressure and duty to write truth and fact. Each time I write here I feel as though I skirt what I really mean to say. There is no malice or deception… but a lack of fortitude to confront certain things. To say certain things. However a few drinks and an iron-clad determination are sufficient in cutting my way to the truth.

Despite all the progress I’ve made in healing myself, and putting things back in order… sometimes I feel empty; like my soul died and my body lives on. I’ve gone from a hopeless romantic to a jaded misanthrope, a spiritual Taoist to a more secular consumer. Those are not small changes.

I haven’t fully faced my problems, I keep my mind busy with games, shows, books, work, study, family and a dozen other activities. I stopped meditation and spiritual self-cultivation because I was afraid. Afraid to face myself; and of what I could find if I looked deeper.

Those feelings have been locked away for such a long time, which isn’t right at all. We shouldn’t be the wardens of our passion, but rather its sculptors. I keep saying it and saying it. Each time I do, I’ve taken a step to finding what happened. I steel myself for the soul searching I know is coming. But sadly I’ve taken too many thousands of steps in the sand, I look around and I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing.

My soul, my passion… that ruthless lustful drive that fueled me is missing. It guided my life and my work and now I need it back. I’ll be gone for awhile. Think of it as an important side quest.

-Yours in silence, Wesley James Rands

A corner

When an animal is cornered it fights tooth and nail to survive, it taps into it’s will to survive to perform outstanding feats… it’s a maddening and short lived burst of action that in the wild often means survival.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been a creature of emotion; The passion bleed out of me quickly when I learned how to survive in the world. Nothing more then a machine programmed for survival and to seek pleasure. It’s not an uncommon existance in this era, not uncommon that we sever our emotional bonds and build walls to protect ourselves… that we turn our trusted lovers into targets of mistrust.

In regaining my passion and purpose in live, I’ve also regained my sense of urgency… and find myself painted into a corner. My choices were poor because they were not guided by my sense of purpose. They did not fit into my life plan… because I lost the sense of it, you could call it my sense of destiny. The destiny I averted was of a machine, an empty soulless pleasure seeker. It took a great deal of healing and self-realization to reach this point, and without help it would not have been possible.

I am however still painted into a corner, fighting with all my heart to find a way out of the maze I’ve staggered into. The magnitude of fixing an entire life that has fallen into disrepair is staggering. But nothing is more troubling to me then the finacial problems, especially going from a large surplus to nothing because of the unexpected, it inspires nothing less in a person then guilt and shame. Everything else is great, but this one massive clusterfuck threatens to bring down my entire life.

Just like an animal I will claw, bite and push my way to the other side, but I worry how much will I have left by the time I get there?