A story of some note

When my world fell apart months and months ago I fell into a deep depression. I had enough problems and they were compounded when I simply gave up trying to fix them. The only thing I could do was to put one foot in front of the other in the vain hope that I would eventually recover; but in my heart I didn’t believe I would. I merely went through the motions of life trying to hide my pain.

That changed when I moved in with my uncle. Looking at him was like watching what I used to be… what I should have been. He was very much in his happy place; just like I used to be, and it forced me to confront the sadness that was eating at me and the lethargy that kept me from doing anything productive. But more then that he was able to challenge me… something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I used to live to be challenged, for the thrill of personal combat, a battle of wills, Verbal sparring or breathless debate. But I wasn’t the same as I was, all it did was draw attention to the fact that I was hollow. Although my recovery from near death was impressive and improbable… it had left me with deep scars. I felt disconnected from everyone I loved… which lead to the collapse of my relationship. Those events haunted me despite all the healing I managed with my new surrogate family.

For the last few months my sleep has been haunted by those events. Like the shock and horror of those events etched them deep into my sub-conscious waiting for sleep to bring them back out. Then one restless night I dreamed my entire life; all the highpoints and low. It didn’t finish because I awoke in a cold sweat from the intensity of the dream. But somehow it jump started a long forgotten thought in my mind. I decided there and then that I would join the United States Air Force.

I felt different almost immediately, I felt like I had a purpose again… like my life could find it’s meaning again. I had succeeded before against countless trials because I loved, that love gave meaning to my life. That night awoke another long forgotten emotion: Duty. It was a different kind of motivation for me… it seemed somehow pure and untainted in comparison to the twisted mockery of love that still ate at me.

I pushed myself twice as hard. Starting with 5 mile runs every night with pushups and situps to follow. I studied twice as hard in school and managed to score high on the practice ASVAB. I was able to push my limits for the first time since I fell ill years ago. I felt… impossibly good about myself, flushed with well deserved pride and confidence.

Even with that strength, the hole in my soul still ate away at me. I felt alone and disconnected at times. Sorrowful that I could not share my world with people I loved, or people that I wanted to love. I can’t help that my greatest desire to hold someone… or to be held. To simply feel the warmth and comfort of a loved one near me, that particular weakness and one other remained.

Although my migraines are nearly gone, and my fatigue has lessened over time… I’m disqualified from military service because of my Asthma. Once I realized my goal was impossible I felt crushed but went through the motions a bit longer while I tried to find the alternative path I needed. The challenge and patriotic duty that called to me couldn’t be answered there… but I have other skills and there will be new opportunities.

I feel like I am at the vista of a new era of my life. Despite the setbacks I incurred I still feel confident in myself and my abilities… and I will need them for whatever challenge I do set my mind to.