Can’t Sleep

I couldn’t sleep tonight, which doesn’t differentiate tonight from most nights lately. Even discounting the caffeine mishap recently things have been pretty grim on that front.

The second I lay down for bed I am assailed by the emptiness and loneliness I repress in my sunlite hours. I find myself torn up over what is long past, wounds that will not heal from betrayal.

Nothing can fix this one weakness, this one chink in my armor. There are no techniques, no tricks and raw determination is insufficient to quell it. So I lay there thinking of all the things I could’ve said, should’ve said to keep the love of my life…

It confounds me though, because in most ways I have moved on… emotionally.  I’ve dated (unsuccessfully) and  started down a new solitary life path,  so why then does it feel wrong?  My intuition has never lied to me before, I just don’t understand what it means now… was the last year a terrible mistake? Was moving on a bad idea?

I get to spend another night staring into darkness thinking of what might have been, so tomorrow when I’m actually living my life I’ll be exhausted.