A new life

As the pieces of my life have slowly come melding back together I find myself thinking more and more about “whats next”. I am not content merely catching up to where I was before; but rather my goal is to surpass it by leaps and bounds. I think about the things holding me back and the assets I still have intact, and while making lists is helpful with planning… it doesn’t help at all with the execution of my new life.

Strange as this sounds I’m really excited by the challenge. I get to prove that every misconception, rumor and assumption is wrong… not merely to the world but to myself. I get to reshape a new image while I mend the remaining fractures I have internally

That being said; I have to face the reality that things are about to get really hard. The doctors don’t agree over whats causing my migraines and finding a way to pay them is becoming… tricky. I still feel lonely and isolated because of the drama with my family, a fact made worse by my current choice of strategies: I simply ignore people that don’t positively contribute to my life.

I’m ready… almost ready, to lay the groundwork to the rest of my life. So I can realize the goals I lost sight of before… having a nice house, a loving wife, a challenging career… purpose for the things I do instead of merely passing the time between pay checks or crises. I want to get out of bed knowing that a worthwhile challenge awaits me at my desk; I want to know that whoever I do eventually fall in love with… will be there literally until death pries us apart.

I have to be ruthless and seize this dream… this ephemeral happiness with everything I’ve got. I have to go far beyond the limits I placed on myself before… and the limits placed on me by others. Being smart isn’t enough, being tough isn’t enough… and being afraid isn’t an option anymore. My future won’t be denied from me any longer.