Love is a double edged sword

Some days I am completely normal.

And then on days like today I find myself in intense physical and emotional pain; for no logical reason. Each day I await the opportunity to strike back at whatever gremlins have taken up residence inside my brain; eventually my paperwork will finish and I’ll be able to get a scan of my brain.

The possibility of death still exists. The possibility that I simply fall over and turn into a vegetable for the rest of my existence is there too. They dwell somewhere in the peripheral of my thoughts, lurking in the edges for a lull in my attention. To take my mind off how terrible the prospect is… and how terrible the waiting is I have to keep busy.

Today wasn’t bad because I was in pain; I’m in pain most days.

No. Much worse then that I didn’t care that I was in pain. I was struck down by the regret that I might never find my soul mate. More then anything I want to find the person who’s soul mirrors my own; the person who understands and loves me unconditionally. The idea that I am rapidly approaching a struggle for my very life alone… disconcerts me. I am less afraid of death then I am afraid of dying before I finish what I came here for.

Love has a curious energy; It can destroy us utterly or it can be our savior in dark times. When I have faltered in my life… it has not been because my inner resolve was weak or because my faith was shaken. It was love, notorious destroyer of men’s souls. I grew afraid of my feelings, I grew afraid of love.

I don’t know if I am meant to face this coming challenge alone, or if I am meant to face it with a lover at my side. But I know Love is like the black fleet; whatever side it falls upon will be the victor. I know that love could give me the power to endure countless pain and trails… but it could within a moment undo me and everything I have fought for. So I sit here wondering if I should risk everything on the hope that love is pure enough to spare me… or if I should follow experience and cast away that love before it has a chance to undo me.

I know the answer; but I find with each word that I resent the question itself.

Being loved

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.

-Lao Tzu

A new life

As the pieces of my life have slowly come melding back together I find myself thinking more and more about “whats next”. I am not content merely catching up to where I was before; but rather my goal is to surpass it by leaps and bounds. I think about the things holding me back and the assets I still have intact, and while making lists is helpful with planning… it doesn’t help at all with the execution of my new life.

Strange as this sounds I’m really excited by the challenge. I get to prove that every misconception, rumor and assumption is wrong… not merely to the world but to myself. I get to reshape a new image while I mend the remaining fractures I have internally

That being said; I have to face the reality that things are about to get really hard. The doctors don’t agree over whats causing my migraines and finding a way to pay them is becoming… tricky. I still feel lonely and isolated because of the drama with my family, a fact made worse by my current choice of strategies: I simply ignore people that don’t positively contribute to my life.

I’m ready… almost ready, to lay the groundwork to the rest of my life. So I can realize the goals I lost sight of before… having a nice house, a loving wife, a challenging career… purpose for the things I do instead of merely passing the time between pay checks or crises. I want to get out of bed knowing that a worthwhile challenge awaits me at my desk; I want to know that whoever I do eventually fall in love with… will be there literally until death pries us apart.

I have to be ruthless and seize this dream… this ephemeral happiness with everything I’ve got. I have to go far beyond the limits I placed on myself before… and the limits placed on me by others. Being smart isn’t enough, being tough isn’t enough… and being afraid isn’t an option anymore. My future won’t be denied from me any longer.

The journey matters most.

I’d like to welcome everyone to my new personal Blog. My previous blog was never meant to be anything more then a short term emotional relief. In coming to new conclusions about my life I realized it was important to have a forum where I could write about “anything” and not merely the self-aggrandizing rants and drama I had before. (There will still be some self-aggrandizing rants of course)

The very name and nature of the blog limited what I could say; “Destructive Affection” does have a nice ring to it and it conveyed the purpose I wanted perfectly.

Instead of continuing that theme or building on it. I’ve decided to draw upon my Taoist beliefs for inspiration; it changes the entire tone of my narrative and thats exactly what I want. Since ancient times Taoists have equated life to a great journey; we’ve used rivers, roads, paths, wheels and a variety of metaphors to explain that most essential of our beliefs.

Christians are fond of the analogy of trials and the idea that temporal mortal life is somehow a punishment permeates western thought. Honestly I cannot understand it; Life has challenges yes, at times life can be painful. But the idea that whatever made us… wishes us nothing but suffering, trials and difficulties is not only offensive but non-nonsensical.

We can argue theology forever because the truth is only revealed at death: At the end of our journey! That is when we are told if we arrived at the right conclusions or not. I have no problem with that. I am concerned wholly with the journey itself…. meeting new people, seeing new things, exploring the darkest and brightest aspects of human nature, falling in love, being afraid, being unafraid… winning and losing.

We fixate on the final destination… on a heaven or hell that may or may not even exist. But I must with every fiber of my being say this: The journey matters more then our final destination. This is my journey and even I cannot fathom where it will take me.

-Wes

Another 1000 Li

When things don’t change any longer, that’s the end result of entropy, the heat-death of the universe. The more things go on moving, interrelating, conflicting, changing, the less balance there is-and the more life… Life itself is a huge gamble against the odds, against all odds! You can’t try to live safely, there’s no such thing as safety. Stick your neck out of your shell, then, and live fully! It’s not how you get there, but where you get to that counts. What you’re afraid to accept, here, is that we’re engaged in a really great experiment, you and I. We’re on the brink of discovering and controlling, for the good of all mankind, a whole new force, an entire new field of anti-entropic energy, of the life-force, of the will to act, to do, to change!

-Ursula Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven